Tag: depression

A Bereaved Child at Boarding School

Amelia

What does September evoke for you?

Many ex-borders have spoken of a level of melancholy that comes over them at this time of year. Grief. Their body is reminding them of how they experienced pulling out their trunk and packing again to return to boarding school, leaving their family, pets, and all that is familiar behind.

The summer holidays may have been long enough to have adjusted back to being their “home self,” and then they have to pack that self up, along with their trunk and pull on that armor and adapt back to being their “school self.” This pattern is repeated over and over again, which can cause a split in personality and a disintegration of the self.

Many young children will be feeling “homesick” for the first time over these next few weeks as they are left by their parents to begin life at their new institutions.

Advice online by the Independent Education Consultant encourages parents to “not give in to emotional blackmail. You have made this choice for the right reasons so try not to take seriously any miserable communications from your child, which may imply that you do not care or are in some way cruel. Quite the opposite. You have made a selfless decision in giving your child what you believe will be an amazing opportunity.”

Reading this and various advice given on present-day Boarding School Website pages to parents on how to manage their child’s feelings, as well as their own reads like propaganda. Joy Schaverien in her book “Boarding School Syndrome,” claims that the term homesickness does not do justice to the depth of losses to which the boarding school child is subjected.

The broken attachments of the first days in boarding school amount to a significant, but unrecognized form of bereavement, and the child must learn to live without love. Often children’s losses are minimized and glossed over as insignificant and therefore many children hide these feelings for fear of being seen as childish and pathetic and subjected to bullying.

The term homesickness encompasses a complex system of unprocessed grief and many children are emotionally wounded (traumatised), exiled (homeless), and bereaved (grieving). Suddenly children are abandoned and have to adapt to the abrupt and irrevocable loss of the childhood state. Children lose their role, their sense of themselves as people who belong in a family group and they have to prematurely appear grown-up.

So, what do the children do with these emotions? Not wanting to upset their parents who want them to be happy…? It is not uncommon for the repressed distress to come out in symptoms such as bedwetting and vomiting as tears do not appear permitted.

If you are an ex-border and this resonates with you, try and do nourishing things for yourself this September. If you notice your mood dip as the season changes, think what that little child would have wanted and needed to express. Try and give that to yourself. xxx

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A grown up child’s grief on Father’s Day.

Amelia

On June 11th, 1976, whilst we were on holiday in Wales my dad died suddenly of a heart attack. He was 34.

I was 11 months old.

Whilst growing up, Father’s day was irrelevant to me. He was rarely spoken about and Father’s day was never acknowledged.  It is only now, in my 40s, that I have really started to take a moment on this day to think of him and carve out my own special way to have a connection with him.

It can be so easy to hold onto the narrative that when a child is so young, they will not be affected by a parent’s death as they have no memory of him.

My body remembers.

My heart and my soul remember.

I created a story that I was glad my father had died. That I was better off without him. I was fiercely proud of how my mum had raised me single handily and did not believe I had missed out on anything.   I had heard negative stories of his personality and had clung onto those so that I did not have to feel any of the pain of the loss and abandonment that may be lingering underneath.

Aged 23, I developed gallstones and went to see a Holistic Therapist who told me gallstones can often be the result of blocked emotions and asked me if anything traumatic happened to me when I was younger. Looking blankly, eventually I said that my father had died. She responded by saying, “And you took on your mother’s grief.”  She asked me his name and as I said  “Andrew,” tears started to fall.  I was shocked as I had no awareness I felt anything for this stranger.  That evening I went and called a helpline, began Counselling and slowly started my own journey with my grief.

Throughout my life I often sought male validation in an attempt to fill the void that was left by my father.  I have also grown up with an existential outlook having come face to face with death at such a young age. An important part of my own healing was getting to know him. I created my own photo album, read obituary letters written about him and slowly started to build a connection. I needed to bring him to life and get to know him in order to grieve him. A few years ago, I took my own children to watch a pantomime put on by the amateur dramatic company that he was a huge part of shortly before he died. I continue to find ways to keep my connection alive with this man I unfortunately only knew for 11 months of my life.  That void inside is no longer empty.

Working as a Therapist, I see daily how important it is for children to know they are loved by their parents.  They need to know they are loved and that they are important. Unfortunately, the majority of adult clients I work with lack this belief because they did not receive this message clearly enough from their parents.

So, on this day, I applaud all those fathers out there who show up for their children and I want you to know how incredibly important you are. Children are very good at believing your absence may be their fault. So, as you receive your Father’s day messages, make sure your own children, whether they are 5 or 50, know that you love them and that they matter.

If anyone is seeking any grief counselling then please get in touch at Counsellingamelia@gmail.com.

http://www.ameliawhitecounselling.com

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    Has Lockdown caused a rise in Eating Disorders?

    Amelia

    The media is now full of stories of body transformation tales. Tiktok has been rife for months with young women sharing online what they are eating throughout the day and showing their reduced waists. Teenagers are mimicking the smoothie bowls they see these new found influences making and are receiving messages from them about what is a healthy diet. Many of us have been without our preferred form of exercise and the last three months of winter lockdown has taken its toll on us emotionally and physically.

    So now the diet companies are rubbing their hands with glee. Working as a Counsellor, and someone who was bulimic as a teenager, I am concerned for the impact on young people. They have been trapped in their bedrooms with nothing but online schoolwork to do. Everything that enables them to thrive has been taken away from them. GCSES were cancelled, their A-levels are a confused mess. Should they bother going to Uni this September? They are all in the throes of grief having lost a fundamental year in their development.

    When we feel overwhelmed with feelings and emotions and our lives feel out of control, we revert to doing things that make us feel we have some mastery. What we put in and out of our mouths is a way that we can feel in control. For teenagers, their clothes and apperance is of paramount importance. So add in the teenage pressure of wanting to look good, making friends, and stepping into their emerging sexuality. The idea which is constantly sold to them by the media of changing your body shape to assist you with this can be tempting.

    Woman shows off her incredible 4st weight loss in viral TikTok video after reining in 'mindless snacking'

    How do Eating Disorders start?

    What can often start as a desire to lose a few pounds can escalate into skipping meals. As the weight starts to drop off, you start to feel better about yourself. You may feel a sense of achievement and you attract positive comments from family and friends which encourages this behaviour. However, there can be a point when this tips and starts to move towards an eating disorder.

    The lightheadedness felt from hunger becomes addictive and for many, the internal critical voice can get louder and louder – shaming you if you have detoured from your diet and eaten something you shouldn’t. This voice can become so persecutory it can take over and those suffering with anorexia feel beholden to it. Women I have worked with have shared that however horrible this voice is in their head, it is also company. Anorexia can start up when people are feeling lonely and isolated and it is as if this persecutory voice is a replacement for companionship and care.

    For others, when they detour from their resticted diet, the shame can lead to Binge Eating and /or Bulimia. Over exercising or purging can seem like a quick and easy solution to getting rid of those extra calories you have eaten. Before long purging one meal can lead to purging all meals. If you are going to purge, you might as well eat all the foods you don’t allow yourself to. So biscuits, cake, ice cream can all be eaten and then purged. Again, this gives the illusion of control. You often feel deeply shamed about overeating, but then the relief comes with the purging and you feel back in control.

    Eating Disorders often begin because people want to lose weight. Messages in the media and society are constantly telling us we will be happier, be accepted, and be succesful if we look a certain way. They become an addiction in a similar way to drugs and alcohol as a way for us to manage overwhelming emotions and feelings. Once an Eating Disorder takes a grip, it takes a lot of work and support to change our behaviour.

    How to get support?

    We have to learn to value ourselves and care for our bodies. To nourish ourselves with nutritious healthy foods and to find other ways to manage our difficult feelings and emotions. As a hidden bulimic sufferer myself for years, the shame prevented me from telling anyone. I had buried my emotions and was unaware I felt anything other than shame about being overweight. Working alongside an empathic Counsellor and processing these supressed emotions, enabled me to start caring for myself and my body.

    If you are concerned about someone who is showing signs of rapid weight loss, be mindul of what may be going on beneath the surface. They may need support with the underlying feelings that are going on and may benefit from Counselling so they can share this with someone who understands how they are using their relationship with food as a way of managing their distress.

    As well as working as a Counsellor, I run workshops and events throughout the year. If you would like to be kept informed of those, please leave your details below.

    Why offer a Womens Group?

    Amelia
    Image result for women burkhas

    Towards the end of Junior School, the divisions begin. Some girls hit puberty and as their minds and bodies adjust to the influx of hormones, other girls are left behind and may be scorned at for their “childish” behaviour. The “Popular” girls in secondary school tend to be those who act more “grown up” – wear the make- up, have boyfriends first, start drinking first. Girls often yearn to be in the popular group, and old safe friendships may be discarded in a quest for acceptance and validation. However once in, they can often discover that these friendships are built on sand and there is nothing but an Instagram picture and pout that may hold them together. We compete, we compare, we feel jealous, we put down, we scorn, we hate, we turn on each other, all vying, trying to find our place in our tribe within the school community.

    A play written in 2013 by Evan Placey called “Girls Like That” follows a group of girls from when they start school age five, through to when they graduate aged eighteen. The playwriter was interested in exploring the question of whether young women oppress each other in the same ways’ men oppress women. He noted that “It wasn’t just that girls were bullying other girls, it’s that they were using the same tools that men had invented to oppress women. ”

    This play may have been written in 2013, but much of what is depicted feels familiar to my school days 30 years earlier. Many women make wonderful female friendships, but when faced with a scenario which may replicate a school grouping such as in the workforce, those similar feelings can rear up again and women can compare, contrast, shame, put down and scorn each other, rather than boost each other. Often powerful women in the media can receive personal hostile attacks from other women and we learn that it is not safe to speak out or be seen.

    What is so often lost for women is how wonderful being part of a supportive collective group of women can really be. Several years ago, I was in Morocco in a local Hamman and was fascinated to watch the groups of women come in for their Saturday morning ritual of bathing and chatting with each other. They left ther burkhas in the changing rooms, and stepped naked through the doorway, appearing to have no shame about their bodies as they all sat together. Washing, grooming, chatting, laughing and connecting before drying off and leaving. Putting back on their burkhas and stepping out into the dusty street outside. I was truly mesmorised and envious of the freedom these women apperaed to demonstrate with one another. This felt so contrasting with my perceptions of an oppressed gender due to their Burkha wearing.

    Since then I have worked for many Womens organisations and have experienced the solidarity and empowerment that can come from being part of a collective supportive group of Women. This is not to diminish how essential mixed gender groups are in order to heal the rifts that are so abundant between us in our society. However, that is for another time….

    Being socialised as a woman in our society is a different experience to being socialised as a man. From the minute we are born we are conditioned differently, if not by our parents then by society at large. Throughout most of history, women could not protect our own safety through physical, legal or financial means. Being likeable and acceptable is ingrained in us as a survival strategy and we are conditioned to be nice and to seek praise. So, what do we do when we feel angry and rageful, despairing, have needs of our own, have strong opposing opinions? So often many of us supress our feelings and ways of being as we feel they are unacceptable. Depression can take hold as it can feel easier to turn our anger inwards rather than outwards and make the changes in our lives and relationships that we need in order to truly thrive.

    Women’s networking groups have risen in popularity in recent years, mainly based at empowering women in their business and the workforce. The power of female solidarity has been recognised and women are coming together from across the world to support and encourage one another to step into their authority.

    My intention is to provide a nourishing nurturing space for women to come together and truly bring their whole selves. To be seen and met by one another, to share their difficulties as well as their joys. There can be something truly joyful and empowering that can come from feeling a sense of female solidarity and knowing that it is okay to bring your messiness. This is not to say that difficulties may arise as a result of our experiences in the past with other women, our mothers, our sisters, but this offers an opportunity to heal a part of ourselves that we may not be able to do on our own or in our dyadic relationship. I am often struck how within a space of an hour and a half a group of women can hold grief and despair for one another and equally have moments of pure delight and giggles. I invite you to leave your metaphorical burkhas at the door.

    As Carl Rogers, the founder of Humanistic Therapy said, ” The Curious Paradox is that when I can accept myself completely as I am, then I can change.”

    If anyone would like any information about the current Women’s Group I facilitate or to sign up to my mailing list for details of future groups, please click on the link below.

    https://atomic-temporary-84984384.wpcomstaging.com/therapeutic-support-group-for-women/

    How can we support our Teenagers?

    Amelia

    It is getting harder and harder. For all of us. And the teenagers are really struggling. I work with several teenagers and have noticed feelings of apathy and depression really taking grip now.

    “I feel flat.” “Numb.” “Nothing – I don’t know.” “Unmotivated.” “Hopeless.” “Bored.” “Isolated.” “Lethargic.” “Its like being in prison.”

    Fed up of being at home, yet anxious about going back to school. Many of the teenagers do not turn on their videos on their online classes as they do not want to be seen. They are too self-conscious. They speak into an abyss. They are not having even the face to face contact we may think they are having in their lessons.

    As we approach the anniversary mark of when Lockdown began, we are all aware that we have lost a year of our lives. In the life of a child, this has huge significance. Each year marks a huge developmental milestone that is essential they make for their wellbeing. A child in year 7 was unable to have the ending they needed to leave their primary school and move into Secondary School. They have been unable to make friends as they would do if they were regularly attending school and are instead stuck alone in their bedroom. Isolated.

    Older teenagers have been unable to sit their GCSES and A-Levels and have lost that sense of achievement they may receive when they see their grades. A feeling of accomplishment and thus a boost to their self esteem. I heard how one child just felt flat on receiving her grades, despite them being good, she didn’t feel they were properly hers. Those who were sitting their A-Levels this year have had them whipped away from them, still unsure how they are going to be marked and by who. They have missed out on their whole sixth form experience. Do they bother going to University next year? Is there a guarantee they won’t be isolated in their room doing lectures online like this year’s unfortunate cohort. What about the parties, the socialising, the risk behaviour – all the things as parents we may dread, but all an essential part of growing up and separation that a child needs to do in preparation for adulthood.

    How do we continue to support them?

    An important thing to acknowledge and recognise is that we can’t make it all better. We can’t make the pandemic go away. We can’t be their teacher, be their friends. What we can do is be alongside them and just listen when they are feeling low. Give them a space to vent how angry and frustrated they are. We often feel helpless wanting to come up with ideas to make things better, but sometimes accepting we can’t can be really helpful.

    Grief. They are dealing with a huge amount of grief. Loss of friends, teachers, grandparents, their freedom, who they were outside of the home. Grief throws up all sorts of emotions – anger, sadness, despair, rage and a recognition their life is out of their control. The path they thought they had has been changed and they have no idea what it looks like now.

    Structure. Trying to encourage structure really is key. Getting dressed before online school. Walking round the block before the first lesson. Having 3 meals a day. Using their timetable to allocate mealtimes and snacks. Differentiating between weekends and weekdays.

    Nature. Getting outdoors. Often such a struggle to convince them, but without a doubt the thing that lifts moods and can shift energy. Even if it is cold and wet, they then appreciate returning home to the warmth.

    Empowerment. Be mindful of Tik Tok. Ask to see what is on their feed. I have been shocked by the trend for teenagers to list all the food they eat in a day and show their often very skinny bodies. If they are seeing this stuff, open up discussions about it. Wonder why girls are posting this and why they are placing so much importance on it. Eating Disorders often emerge as a way young people gain a sense of control in their lives. Their life feels out of their control at the moment so help them see what is in their control. Help them to feel empowered.

    Other Adults. Having contact with other adults other than parents. Schools are their community and they have lost their community. Alongside their friends, feeling seen and important by other adults hugely impacts their self-esteem and worth. Drop your friends kids a note saying how well they are doing getting through this, knowing how tough it is for them. Let them know they are being thought about. Encourage your teens to send messages of support to younger kids so they feel they are supporting others. This encourages a feeling of purpose and wellbeing.

    Screentime. As parents it can be hard witnessing the amount of time they spend on screens. Trying to get the balance right is really hard as this is often the only contact they have with friends and may be the only thing that is keeping them going at the moment. Make sure they have time off screens before going to sleep so their brains get a chance to unwind and slow down.

    Photography. Getting outside and looking up and taking a photo is a wondrful mindful activity. Seeing what is around us. Finding the beauty in the simple things around us can produce serotonin.

    Gratitude. Round the dinner table at night, encourage a conversation about what 5 things you feel grateful for today. It is important to bring in some positive thoughts.

    S.A.D. The days are getting longer and the light is changing. Explain about Seasonal Affective Disorder and that it may be contributing to them feeling low, and that Spring is round that corner and it will feel better. Get them a Vitamin D spray or a lightbox may help.

    Support Yourself. Essential to all the support you can offer is finding ways to support yourself. Unless you are well yourself and your own mental health is in check, you will be unable to support your children. Make sure you take time time out for yourself and do all you can to keep your own mood afloat.

    I am running a 6 week online course offering support to those finding it hard at the moment to keep going, so please come along if you think you and therefore your family may benefit from you having that nurturing time for yourself once a week.

    https://atomic-temporary-84984384.wpcomstaging.com/therapeutic-support-group-for-women/

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    Exercise – Why do we really do it?

    Amelia

    I passed a friend on the way back from the gym this morning at 7am.  She sent me a message saying, “I can’t believe you get up so early to go to Crossfit. “

    I realise that to many it may seem like madness, some crazy fitness addiction, a punishing regime.  For many people, there is no doubt that it can become this and people can also use intensive exercise as a way to manage their anxiety and emotions. It can replace other addictions they may have used in the past such as drugs and alcohol, be part of an eating disorder and can work as a distraction or a form of control.  

    I began running about 10 years ago and quickly noticed how dependent I became on it.  The run round the park became 5k, then 10k, a half marathon and then the Brighton Marathon.  Two weeks before I was due to run in the Brighton Marathon, I tore my calf muscle and was unable to take part.  I was gutted, but the hardest part of it all was being told that I couldn’t run for several months in order to give my calf the time it needed to heal. This took six months. I realised then how dependent I had become on running for my mental health.  How it had become an addiction that had helped me manage the difficulties in my marriage, my loss of self and my low self- esteem which had plummeted as a result of being a stay at home mum.  It meant that I didn’t have to focus on the lifestyle changes that I really needed to make, as each time I shut the front door I could leave all those worries behind me and get my fix of endorphins.  It was my substitute anti-depressant.  As a result of my injury, I had to take stock and work through all the emotional difficulties I was having at the time and make fundamental changes to the way I was living my life. I couldn’t run away from them any longer. Literally and metaphorically.

    A few years later, a friend encouraged me to put my name into the ballot for the London Marathon.  Many people try year after year, so it was a complete surprise to get a place. This time I did it differently. I trained slowly and gently, listening to my body and what it needed.  When I had a twinge I rested, I had sports massages and a few weeks before the event, I took myself off to a yoga retreat. Running the London Marathon was one of the best days of my life. The atmosphere was electric, the sun was shinning and I crossed that finish line in disbelief.  I think I was in shock for a while.  Everything worked.  Nothing was injured.  I know that the reason I was able to do so was because of the way I had looked after my body and mind in a completely different way than I had those years earlier.  This time I wasn’t running away from anything or pounding the pavements in desperation to get that fix I needed to make my life more manageable.

    Exercise for me now is incredibly important in maintaining my physical and mental health but is no longer the coping mechanism it once was. I go to Crossfit three times a week, regularly sea swim and try and do some yoga.  In this morning’s session, I lifted some weights whilst we swapped stories about what posters we had on our walls as teenagers (Pamela Anderson and bikes seemed to be a popular theme for the men). We discussed music and shared our nostalgia for gigs and the loss we feel with their absence at the moment. We discussed Freddie Flintoff and his documentary on Bulimia that was shown this week. The causes of Bulimia and how it is such a hidden illness for men, despite 1 in 4 sufferers being male.  We stretched. And we ate cake on the way out that someone had baked.

    The physical fitness is important but equally as important for me is the connections, the laughs, the conversations, and spending time with a group of people in my community made up of different genders and ages that I may not mix with in other parts of my life.  As we all discovered in Lockdown, Social isolation has a huge negative impact on our mental health. Having an excuse to go and hang out with others regularly, check in how we are and discuss weekly topics under the guise that we are all only there to get fit, is an essential part of my self-care and wellbeing.